Hello.o again, I know it's Christmas night and everyone of you is going to have great family parties or stay with someone loved. How about me? Well...my parents forced me to stay at home, and so I'm just waiting until I'm too tired to look at this screen. I'm sitting on my warm bed, I played everything I could find tasteful for my mind on line, and then I just want to do nothing but to sleep and wake up in an other boring Christmas day, where I'll argue with my mum 'cause I don't think Christ matters if I go or not to the holy mess tomorrow morning. And I'll eat what my mum cooked thinking on how much weight I'll take during these days of holiday...poor me and poor my ballet teacher who'll see me fatter and fatter. What else? Oh, yes, again the disgusting play of my mother and my father trying to have lunch together and to stay sat to have a meal for more than ten minutes, and yes, trying to talk about something without arguing. My granny almost mad in a corner, and me and my sister eating in silence, asking ourselves how many other years this grothesque family play will go on, and wandering how much can we endure all that, the mere shadow of what my family was. What heappened? My parents separated and divorced? No, not such a big and rumorous thing, just...love disappeared between them and aur family is breaking and everybody seems not to want to realize all that. We just pretend everything to be the same as before, and avoid each others to make this fragile illusion going on.
Sometimes I think that all problems they postpone will overwhelm all of us and break definitly this baudelairian state of ennui, of static calm before the battle, and when I suppose all that I hope that I'll have already left this home where all my happy memories of youth are putrefying into this sense of pretence.
At the same time I'm too lazy and too weak in my mind to face what surrounds me, as most of Italians like me are (...) and I just say "I'll think about it tomorrow, I don't want to suffer until it's strictly necessary" ...and I just try to wait until saturday, when I'll start a paceful week away from my family questions with my boyfriend who seems to be the only person who can give me relax just talking to me.
Yes, I'm just waiting for something to happen to my whole life to change it, because I'm too lazy to change it on my own: changes have to collide with me to take place, I have not enough strenght to make them realized. I feel ill, as when I have a flu and I pass my time waiting for it to go away from me.
I nauseate myself, and thinking that once I WAS NOT LIKE THAT, that once I was more and more, that only a few years ago (just two or three, no more than three, and not including the time I'm passing with my boyfriend, which is a necessary break from this anxiety, and I need a person so resistant to all my bad mood -thanks of this again, Marco) I had a golden age and I was able to act for myself and for things I care about...I do nothing else but crying on my own corpse and i feel disgusted, disgusted of me and for me, without knowing the way to get out this vicious circle.

What else? Oh, yes, have a Merry Christmas, everyone of you, and don't worry too much for me, It will pass, in a way or in an other